Warning: This article is somewhat awkward and crazy. And it’s meant for only those who don’t shy away from the truth. I mean, those who don’t “form.” I hate hypocrites!
Why do we all kind of fret when others talk about sh1t? I mean, it beats my imagination flat how people pretend to be robots. We all need to stop this pretence and feel freer to discuss issues about sh1t.
Do you know what makes sh1t interesting? Just as we were all born by a woman, we all sh1t. You sh1t. I sh1t. President Jonathan sh1ts. Obama sh1ts. And even your parents sh1t. These point to the fact that sh1tting is part of life—an integral part.
Sh1tting is something we all do every day, but at varying frequencies. While some drop heavy, killer lumps of sh1t once daily, others sh1t multiple times, releasing dense microchips during each session.
The mechanism of delivery of sh1t also varies among individuals. Some people drop theirs with absolute ease, while some practically go through “labour” before delivering their lumps.
The time of delivery of sh1t varies, too. Some are experts at “quickie” sh1tting (10 seconds to 2 minutes). Some, on the other hand, will spend ages (up to 30 minutes or more) and will involve all the muscles of their abdomen, pelvis, face, and even upper limb just to drop a lump of sh1t.
Types of sh1t
There are over hundred types of sh1t, classified using various methods, but I won’t go into details of these classifications. Rather, I will randomly pick and discuss the most interesting types.
There we go…
- Hallucination or ghost sh1t: You feel something leaving your butts, but you can’t see anything in the toilet.
- Holy sh1t: The type of sh1t you enjoy its release so much that you never want to leave the toilet again.
- Neat sh1t: This type of sh1t leaves no traces; you see it in the toilet bowl, but you get no stains on the tissue paper.
- Wet or dripping sh1t: Even after 20 attempts to wipe this type of sh1t with a tissue paper, you keep getting stains. Before you know it, you may exhaust a complete roll of tissue. At the end of the day, you will resign to fate, placing tissue paper between your butts and underwear (to protect your underwear from stains).
- Second wave sh1t: This type of sh1t comes after you think you’re done sh1tting. You’ve dressed up and are about leaving the toilet when you feel the urge to sh1t again.
- Break-a-vein sh1t: Delivering this type of sh1t requires you to strain very hard. If you’re not careful, you may end up with stroke.
- Gassy sh1t: This type of sh1t is preceded by lots of noisy farts, which create awareness. Everyone around would be like, “gosh!”
- Giant log sh1t: This type of sh1t is so massive that you won’t believe it came from you. No amount of water can flush such. Before you can flush it successfully, you must first break it into pieces using a stick.
- Bulldozer sh1t: When this type of sh1t lands in the toilet bowl, the water in there splashes upwards. The splashes can reach as high as the ceiling (depending on the weight of the sh1t).
- Maradona sh1t: This type of sh1t comes shockingly, when all you were expecting was a fart. In short, it dribbles you.
- Black sh1t: The name says it all. You grab?
- Obstinate sh1t: This type of sh1t just won’t come out, no matter how hard you try. Yet, you keep feeling the urge. You will need to try again after some hours.
- Peppery sh1t: After dropping this type of sh1t, your butts feel very hot and peppery. You’ll feel like placing iced block between them to get some relief.
- Pump action sh1t: This comes in quick successive lumps that land in the toilet bowl to produce a pleasant rhythm (something like “gbo-gba-gbo-gbo-gba-gba-gbi.”)
- Liquid or tap sh1t: This light yellow type of sh1t splashes all over the toilet bowl and soils your butts from inside outwards. When you start, it’s like opening a tap; the flow is amazingly continuous.
- Mexican sh1t: This kind of sh1t smells so badly that your nose blocks. Even your neighbours can’t bear it. You have to take furtive glances before leaving the toilet—you don’t want anyone to know that the rancid stench came from inside of you.
- Lace sh1t: A close look at this type of sh1t gives a clue about your last meal. You can see some vegetable leaves or grains of corn.
- Slider sh1t: This type of sh1t slides straight down the toilet pipe after leaving your butts. It leaves you confused as to whether you really did sh1t or not.
- Rock sh1t: This type of sh1t is so hard that you feel like your butt is tearing. Flushing won’t get it away unless you wait till after water softens it. To get rid of it immediately, you will need to fill a big bucket with water, raise it over your head (or higher, if possible—you can stand on a stool), and pour into the toilet bowl from that height.
- Suspended or hanging sh1t: This type of sh1t fails to drop into the toilet bowl even after leaving your butts; it hangs. To get it out, you will need to rise up a bit and wriggle your body like a belly dancer so that the movement cuts it out, or contract your pelvic muscles so that the sphincter cuts it off.
Having understood the importance and types of sh1t, you can now teach others, too. You see, sh1t happens every day, and there’s no need hiding this fact.
You need to stop shying away from sh1t. And you need to remember that this article is just a product of the author’ crazy imagination and brainstorming.
But all the same, sh1t rocks! So, spread the word, and stop all the “forming.”
So, tell us. What type of sh1t do you typically drop? Tell us in the comments.